(started writing some lyrics… working on making this a full song and thought i’d share)
I’ve been 3 years running on prison tattoos,
while my pen lays still just to sing the blues,
while my eyes can’t rest just to save the week,
and i’m laying in bed with a sober heartbeat,
and i stare at the chances that i thought i had,
with a girl from the dreams deep in my head,
and i’m puzzled again, still awake,
and my ass is kicked for my own heart’s sake…

chapter 1

“Grab the fight from her eyes and take the time to worry lies, written skies from peaceful times…”

“Honestly, what the fuck was this jackass talking about? You’re all only 18 at best and sitting here in fucking english 101 hearing this whinny ass sputter out any two words that rhyme and make us think his home life isn’t quite up to par. Maybe it’s all a big fucking excuse for you to wear your slipknot t-shirt and black bondage pants to this hell forsaken hole in the wall of a school.”

That’s what i wanted to say as i saw that kid up there. Maybe in some parallel universe that’s what i should have said. Instead I nodded in dissenting approval and asked him to return to his seat. I then looked at the list of names i had on the tattered clipboard on my desk. “Next up is Karen” I said with all the faked enthusiasm of an underpaid, under appreciated, and overworked teacher. I sat at the back of the darting eyes that filled the auditorium and discorded glances that may have been synonymous with the social elitist firing squad of high school politics.

Karen was a  blonde girl in a white cardigan sweater and skirt. An outfit that by most standards could have been seen as modest but i’m sure to every hormone fueled mess there, she just looked like a grade-A dumpster slut. Nonetheless I personally didn’t give a flying fuck, not even a sitting fuck, in fact not a fuck of any imaginable sort or fashion.

Karen was nervous and held in her hand a very neat sheet of loose leaf paper. With a keen eye i noticed the page was blank. Explains why she was nervous. I asked all the students to be prepared with a piece of poetry. The assignment was simple and even still I had many neglect it entirely. Here was a rare case though. A girl with modest grades who decided to bullshit her project. I thought, what the fuck, why not let her make an ass out of herself.

With a valley girl quiver she cleared her throat. “There’s a demon in the hall, a demon in the hall, a demon in the hall.” Her quiver dropped and she suddenly sounded assured. “There’s a demon in the hall, breaking backs and bathroom stalls, He’ll follow you home and break your family and you’ll be all alone, there’s no use in running from the eyes that lurk inside, i’m your demon i’m here at your ever-waking bedside, I’m the queen of all kings and i couldn’t FUCKING CARE LESS.” She started screaming and all eyes were on her, jaws dropped as she threw her paper aside and leaned over the edge of the orchestra pit to belt her lines at her peers. “I’M THE FUCKING PROM QUEEN WHO STEPPED IN THIS MESS, I’M DONE WITH YOUR SHIT AND POMPOUS FUCKING CLIQUES, I’M THE QUEEN AND I’VE GOT YOUR BOYFRIEND HYPNOTIZED WITH MY HIPS, BUT WHAT’S A QUEEN TO BE WHEN WE’RE ALL JUST HONEY BEES, BREAKING BACKS TO BUILD THE HIVE AND HEARING BUZZING, BUZZING, BUZZING, ALL DAY AND NIGHT?”

Her voice dropped again and the quiver came back. How the hell could she be nervous now? After that arrogant and outrageous fucking display, who is she to be nervous.

“There’s no I in team chant all of the varsity, but there’s no I in me, nor a reason to be, I’m here by design and given some time you’ll never know who i ever was.”

Karen walked off the stage with all eyes piercing into her partly in awe and partly in pure disgust. But she kept talking, not a decibel softer than before. Even facing away from most of her classmates her voice managed to project through the auditorium.

“I’ve played my games for 18 years, I’ve won a few but lost more than tears.” And Karen sat in her seat beside her pink purse and backpack. She was crying. Real tears like a girl who saw her dog get hit by a truck.

Her classmates that she just ripped a new asshole were now whispering. The overwhelming thought and vibe of what the fuck just happened here loomed in the room.

I sat back in my seat with a smirk as i knew what happened. I was still new at this job and new to these kids but i knew a mental breakdown when i saw one. This was just that. A girl who had way to much shit going on.

I had a red grade book where i kept a hard copy of all grades. It was a back up to the ever so less than reliable computer program we were all told to use. In it i wrote a very clear A next to Karen’s name. God dammit, she fucking deserved it.

1. I’m starting to hate people who live in the past. They cause me most of my problems and generally just piss me off.
If something happened once then remember it but don’t let consume you. If it’s still happening then it’s a part of your life now so embrace it. If it’s just a memory and you have to keep bringing it up then let it go, let it die, and move on. Always remember the best things in life are ahead of you.

2. I’m trying to change my life right now. Get to the point where I always wanted to be. I’ve gotten in the habit of writing a lot of shit down. It’s helping.

3. I have this feeling that I’ll end up quite happy.

4. The people closest to me now were damn near strangers a year ago. But because of them I’m still standing. Never underestimate the people you just meet because who knows what they may become.

5. I want to get rid of my car and get rid of payments.

6. Is afraid of 7 because 7 8 9…

10. I’m learning to give up on my limitations. I know what I’m capable of, I know what’s hard to do. But I don’t know what I’m not capable of, only what I haven’t tried hard enough at.

11. I feel great about quitting smoking.

12. Out of shit to say now.